"Piss off Michelangelo"
I'd been volunteering in a Primary School for a few weeks in the hopes of eventually getting a job there in a few years (not having to find childcare in the school holidays being a tiny incentive.) My Mum was looking after my Daughter for one morning a week so that I could go on my latest venture. The kids took to me like a duck to water (I always seem really fun to any child that isn't my own.) I got a bit put off when I realised I'd forgotten everything in the national curriculum. We're talking "what the hell is a pro-noun?" and "what is the correct lingo when it comes to bloody times tables?" I would have persevered I'm sure but my Mum had to return to work so I couldn't continue it. I was sad but these things happen. Then I had a phone-call from the school basically offering me the chance of a full-time position in January working one-to-one with students. I was flattered and confused. I've been in the same job for over five years and I'm pretty good at it. I was weighing it up in my head but the final decision maker was that cranky old bitch I call 'Mum-guilt'. She's the mental equivalent of thrush. She pops up to say "Hi, this decision you're about to make will have a serious negative impact emotionally and psychologically on your kid. Best you forget about it or I ain't leaving you alone.Ever." I would have had to move my Daughter to a different nursery. She's been at her current nursery for 3 years and the thought of her leaving her friends and the caregivers she is used to made my heart wither and feel really sad. She starts school next September and I've convinced myself that two upheavals in one year will mentally scar her. Plus I can't bear the thought of her in nursery for five days a week even though I know she would be fine. I had visions of me leaving her in the new would-be nursery, a completely different setting, baffled and sad. Having to adjust to new people and surroundings only to be shipped off to school eight months later and re-adjust again. That was my mind made up. I phoned the school back a couple hours later and thanked them for thinking of me but I couldn't accept. I feel I've made the right decision but I know 'Mum-guilt' has been a massive factor in it.
Today, the Diva has returned to nursery. Financially I can't afford to take a day off and it's got to the stage where she's starting to milk her cough a tad as opposed to suffering from it. She was adamant she wasn't going. I said she could take her new toy dog with her and that seemed to sway it. We arrived at nursery and I was full of hope that it would be a smooth process of leaving her without a tantrum. Cue the hysterical crying and reaching out of the arms and the "Mummmmmmmy" like I was leaving her with a bunch of rabid dogs. I was running late for work, I had to leave.
Hi Mum-guilt, we meet again.
The Kitschy Mumma
*Five minutes after writing this post I had a phone-call from the Nursery to say she is not really eating and is quite teary.
Hello again Mum-guilt! Fuck off now please.