If you haven't yet succumbed to this horror story I am telling you about, DON'T! Your child will learn to love Loose Women and Real Housewives of Orange County. If you, like me, are imprisoned in your own CBeebies nightmare then I'll bet you've had thoughts like mine and I'm not talking picking up the TV and throwing it into your neighbour's front garden. I'll be watching it and say things like "Josie Jump is blatantly isn't high on just life" and "Bet Cook and Lyne never get laid" (Yes yes I know it isn't real. I'm not crazy- not certified anyway) but read on anyway and I'll bet your footy pups that at some point, you have said at least one of these things......
Who the fuck came up with Raymond and Tina, the couple who have a shared love of Am Dram and dressing their Daughter like her 60 year old childminder? If I was Lisa I would emancipate myself from those arseholes.
Who told Bobby that wearing bits of ribbon in her hair looked good? They look like something I bought them from Claire's Accessories back in 1999.
Fucking hell that girl that eats all the peas on Baby Jake, surely she's going to have some sort of nutrition deficiency! I know her parents have 10 kids but feeding your child a bowl of peas for dinner? Think of all the child benefit they must get, surely they can afford a bit of pie and gravy.
How has Postman Pat still got a job? He fucks up every episode! They even threw a surprise party for him one time "THANKS PAT FOR ALL YOUR HARD WORK IN LOSING OUR SPECIAL DELIVERIES EVERY DAY WHICH WE WOULD HAVE PAID EXTRA FOR YOU ARSEHOLE"
Who would name their child Jason Mason? There's so many lovely names for a boy, why would you choose one that rhymes with his last pissing name?!
Wow you could cut the sexual tension between Flop and Alma with a knife!
If I had to play marry, shag or push off a cliff with Mr Tumble, Mr Maker and Mr Bloom, Mr Tumble's arse would be off that cliff quicker than you can say "what's in the spotty bag?"
C'mon Joy, for one episode just lose your shit with Topsy and Tim! They could probably take a shit on the neighbour's doorstep and Joy would say something like "Now twins, I know you wanted to give Mr Brown a gift and I'm so pleased you used your imagination but that wasn't the right thing to do so let's make him some cupcakes to say sorry" (cue ridiculously smiley face)
I wouldn't mind Grandpa in my Pocket's house actually. I like the way the duck egg blue walls contrast with all of the wood.
Captain Perriwinkle looks an awful lot like that Pastor bloke in Eastender's that murdered 2 people and drowned a dog.
Why do the Tombliboos live in a cave made of pretzels?
Awww Dr Ranj seems like such a lovely chap. I think I'd feel so comfortable with him I'd even let him perform a smear test on me without feeling embarrassed.
Just once I wish Ruff Ruff, Tweet and Dave would finish with 'Dave's currently experiencing insomnia so Ruff Ruff was the first to fall asleep today.'
No Squiglet, 'X' is not for the Fox and the end of his tail. X is for Xanax which coincidentally I need after a long day of this shite.
The most disturbing thought I've ever had is "I wouldn't mind going to the CBeebies prom next year actually" KILL ME NOW!
The Kitschy Mumma